Perspective

I sit here in my chair which used to be in the corner of our living room. From where it used to be, I could see the entirety of our home from the inside including the second floor hallway where my children’s bedrooms were located. I have always loved looking up as they open their doors in the morning. Back when they were small, their doors would be open even as they sleep and I could see glimpses of blue and pink which were the colors of their rooms. Now, pink has gone and grey has come. And new rules apply. Having an almost seventeen and twelve year old means a right to privacy and this mommy respects that. Still, locked doors are not allowed.

It was my quiet little corner where I would read, think, do my devotion, write in my journal, talk to God and at times do absolutely nothing.

Last year, my chair was moved from its corner. Furnitures had to be rearranged to accommodate the television which had to be brought down from the second floor family room. The quarantine imposed by the pandemic brought about these changes. The family room has been converted into my “classroom”, where I conduct my online classes.

It was a painful year. Painful still. Living with a medical condition which offers no cure except for pain management was hard for me. The pandemic, despite the nightmare that it was and still is, has been my silver lining. I was able to stay home. Home quarantine was a blessing for me. It allowed me to rest while I work and take care of my family. It took away tasks that I would otherwise do even if it was bad for me, because i was stubborn like that. It gave me no choice but to obey. Stop. Pause. Rest. Follow. It was the best prescription I have had so far in the two years of struggling with this disease.

I am still stubborn. My daughter constantly reminds me of this. Lately, even simple chores would tire me out and cause pain. Standing for longer than ten minutes have been increasingly difficult. I am having a hard time accepting this.

And so after a bit of dusting, sweeping and mopping, I am nestled here in my chair waiting for the pain to subside. A silent prayer was said and I washed it away with a few tears. While I talked to God and plead for healing, I realize I am looking straight at the sky. I see white clouds and green treetops. My new, quiet, little corner has given me a clear and unobstructed view of the sky. And I continue to look at this refreshing sight even now as I write this. If we had not made adjustments and moved my chair from where it used to be, I would be missing this. What a revelation. Lord, you really do love me.

I now understand. Sometimes, we have to be moved away from our familiar comforts in order for us to see the new things that God is doing. It opens our eyes to things that have always been there. It redirects our sight to things that we never took notice of all because we were looking in the opposite direction.

From where i now sit in my quite little corner, I see hope and healing. It is as clear as day. There is no other interpretation. God has heard me. He is showing me that He is listening and always will.

Beautiful Chaos

That was a long hibernation. It was by far the longest writer’s block i have ever gone through. Every thought, insight, idea and emotion that defined my days for the past year were stored in my brain; unable to escape.  Now, they are spilling out and they are so disorganized. So unlike me. I have notebooks for everything and lists for every area of my life.  I keep, not one, but three journals. For someone whose brain works nonstop, i need lots of paper to record everything that passes through my manic mind.

But at some point, a few months before i reached my fortieth year on earth, my brain has suddenly declared a sabbatical. No matter how strong my urge was to write, i just couldn’t find the words to tell my stories.

And so now i find myself confronted with chaos. Everything has piled up on top of another. I want to fix the pile but upon closer inspection, i realize that i find clarity in the overlapping mess.

So this is what the inside of me looks like. So much clutter. But each piece is so significant, that without it, i wouldn’t be me. I see colors that resemble a rainbow. They are my joys, victories and the little events in my life that brought me so much happiness, caused me to laugh, giggle and squeal in delight. A piece of chocolate cake, a new book, a trip to the antique store and second hand book shop, a cup of coffee, rain, hot ramen, my favorite Korean RomCom and girlhood crushes. And then there are big bursts of bright colors. I see my college graduation, my first news anchoring job, my wedding day, my children, my first car, our very own house, my students and so much more.

But i also see black and gray, lots of them. Some are in between the rainbow colors while big patches of these dark shades occupy large spaces, oftentimes covering my oranges and yellows. I try to recall the stories behind my blacks and grays and i see pain, fear, disappointment, struggles and regrets. I can’t write about them. Maybe someday. When God gives me the grace to do so.

I can’t believe i have been keeping all of these inside and how these colors survived together for so long. Such contrasting shades. So much conflict and turmoil interspersed with joy and beauty. How can they co-exist inside a weak, ordinary being like me?

But they did, they do.

And i know they will continue to do so because they are what makes me, me.

A mess. Chaotic. But made beautiful by a priceless gift called grace.

Soul Keeping: Learning to be like Mary

It’s five minutes to seven. The house is quiet again after the hurrying, whining, scurrying and gentle nagging that are always a part of our everyday morning routine.

My list of chores tells me that I should be cleaning the bathrooms by now. I was debating whether to do my devotions first or to start with the day’s housework. Still undecided,  I sit for a while to gather my energy and to listen to the inner conversations in my head.

“If i finish cleaning the two bathrooms in thirty minutes, i can start the laundry, do my devotions and squeeze in a little bit of writing while i wait.”

“But i will be tired after all the chores are done and i may not be receptive enough during devotions.”

“Yes, that’s a good point. But you will not be able to focus on devotions while your mind wanders to all things you still have to do after.”

During this internal debate, a still small voice joins the conversation and says, “What is it you really need?”

That question hit a vulnerable spot and forced me to stop my inner monologue. I realized, i am doing it again.  Minding too much of things that i don’t really need to do and  neglecting those that matters.

I was bent on cleaning the external clutter when what i should be doing first is clearing out my internal disorder.

Because I have always been Martha

Martha and Mary are two sisters depicted in the bible. Martha is the busybody and the one who is obsessed with housework while Mary was the one who chose to give full attention to Jesus when He visited their home.

Luke 10:38-42 (NIV)

³⁸ As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one.^[a]Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Distracted by all the preparations

Yes, this is me. I am Martha through and through. The one who is always on her feet, hands that are never dry and thoughts that are never still.  The one who spends hours packing everyone’s stuff for a vacation, feels flustered when something goes missing and gets distracted by the preparations that i miss out on the fun of anticipation. My children have a hard time sleeping the night before a family trip. They are so excited they will count the hours till we leave. I have a hard time sleeping thinking about all the things that i may have forgotten to pack and worrying about things that have not or may not even happen.

I live with this motto “Do what you can, wherever you are, whenever you can.” Being a full-time mom gives me the gift that everyone wants. Time. I have so much time in my hands i was intent on using it wisely.  I filled my planner with tasks. I was juggling family, ministry and work. Ironically, the first task that i always write down for each day is devotion. I meant to start each day with it but it doesn’t always happen that way. Soon it became clear that i was not using my gift wisely at all. I may seem to be managing everything efficiently, but something had to give in eventually.

My health suffered and it was a wake-up call.

The inner mess vs the outside mess

There was a time when i used to have a full hour devotion every morning. It worked initially for me but as our family grew and schedules became fuller, i had to re-arrange my quiet times to make myself available for all of them.

This went well for a while until i felt its effects on one vital relationship that i have. I was neglecting my time with God. Our coffee dates were reduced to quick fixes. Squeezing it in gaps that i could find in my schedule. I was shortchanging Him so i can meet my family’s every need. Our house was always in order, my family well fed, but my soul was hungry. It was not getting enough nourishment. Even on days when i find myself having bouts of free time for Him, my mind keeps wandering to the many things i still need to do, none of them concerning my relationship with Him.

Soon anxiety has found a way in and fatigue was easily felt. That is what happens when your soul has not been nourished, pretty much the same thing when your body fails to receive all the nutrients it needs to combat sickness. The only difference is while the body recovers with rest and medicine, the soul would need more to be refreshed.

There was too much clutter inside of me that i was failing to hear clearly what He is telling me. I was so busy clearing out what is seen from the outside that i forgot that  there was a mess that needs to be tidied up from the inside. Weeds have started to grow and a day is not enough to pull them all out. I was giving away so much but was not receiving abundantly in return. My cup has ran out.

My soul was ailing and it needed immediate healing. There was only one place that i can go to.

At the feet of Jesus

Luke 10:39 “She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.”

 

This place is where i learn to be like Mary. A character so new to me that i had to make every effort to break the old habits of self-reliance and worry so i can train myself to acquire new ones. Being still and just willing myself to listen is not easy  but the Lord gently reminded me that all i needed to do is remember how it was like when i used to spend hours just talking to Him. Those times where the ones when i was at my best. My days were full but my cup never runs dry. I was imparting and  receiving in equal amounts at the same time. I was caring for my family with joy, serving the Lord with love and my mind was at peace.

Choosing what is better

Luke 10:41-42  “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things,  but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Choosing better is choosing what is not easy. But the benefit is lasting. In learning to be like Mary, i had to let go of control over my life and the lives of those i love. Laying it all down at the feet of Jesus. Choosing better is choosing God everyday and everything that He represents. Humility, Obedience, Selflessness, Peace, Joy, Hope and Love. Choosing God is a conscious effort. He is not a choice we make at the spur of the moment. We don’t choose Him just to fill the gaps. We choose Him because He makes us whole. He fills our cup and His water never runs out. It overflows.

What we truly need

It is almost time for me to leave the house and pick up my son from school. I haven’t cleaned the bathrooms yet nor folded the clean laundry. It looks like my morning chores will have to wait till the afternoon, if there is time. I don’t mind. I had four hours with God. My soul is so full but i want more. I am glad i left Martha and chose Mary today. I almost didn’t but thanks to that still, small voice, i am refreshed. I chose what i needed and the Lord came to me.

I have chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are not super heroes

No matter how hard we try to be, we are not.

After two days of migraine, my head is finally pain-free. Now i am back on my feet and busying around once again. Keeping my fingers crossed that the next month will pass by without an attack.

For someone who has been living with chronic migraine for twenty years, taking it easy is the golden rule. But if you are extremely stubborn like me, taking it easy is not that easy.

I thought i could do it all. I have been doing it all. I believe i could keep doing it all.

Full-time motherhood with part-time freelance work on the side is something i have always been grateful for. Eleven years of it and counting. I know that it is a gift because not all mothers who wish for it are able to have it. But sometimes, when you are caught unaware, gratefulness turns into pride and you start to depend solely on your own abilities rather than on the One who gave you those abilities.

You function at full speed. Your radar is on all the time. Saving the day is your life’s motto. And you like it. To be truthful about it, you like it.

Your pride buttons burst each time you receive compliments about how unbelievably amazing you have been managing everything all at the same time: household chores, raising your children, taking care of your husband, squeezing in work and earning.

People tell you are Wonder Woman. You “humbly” brush it off, but deep down you are secretly giggling with glee.

 

And because you have been doing such a great job, you ignore the stop signs for fear that there is no one else who can do it like you do.

But even God rested. He stopped working for a day after finishing His creation and seeing that it was all beautiful. He was happy and He rested.

For two days i rested.  There was no other choice. But even under extreme pain, i was mentally picturing the chaos waiting for me and making lists of the things i will do when i get better. Control is such a hard habit to break.

But I never had any use for those mental notes.

Someone else saved the day.

During those two days my husband took care of me. He cooked, did the laundry, took our son to the park and gave me massages.

It was not done in the standard that i have built for myself, but i didn’t mind. I have built such a high standard that most times, i myself can’t even climb it.

I used to do everything out of love and only that. Somewhere along the way, love became just a motivation and perfection the goal. It was tiring and never fulfilling.

My husband did everything i couldn’t do out of love. He was not striving to show me he could do it also. He did it because he loved me and to show me that it is alright if i can’t be super anymore. He was happy to see me taking a break and finally resting.

The weekend is almost here and i am taking extra care to avoid bed confinement again. I want to make it up to my family. Not by making sure that everything is perfect but by making sure that i am alright. I am re-evaluating my standards and deleting things that are beyond human capacity.

After all, i am not a super hero. No mother is. The title belongs to only one person and it is because of Him that i am here in this season of full-time motherhood surrounded by people who make this journey my greatest adventure.

Only by God’s grace and nothing else.