No matter how hard we try to be, we are not.
After two days of migraine, my head is finally pain-free. Now i am back on my feet and busying around once again. Keeping my fingers crossed that the next month will pass by without an attack.
For someone who has been living with chronic migraine for twenty years, taking it easy is the golden rule. But if you are extremely stubborn like me, taking it easy is not that easy.
I thought i could do it all. I have been doing it all. I believe i could keep doing it all.
Full-time motherhood with part-time freelance work on the side is something i have always been grateful for. Eleven years of it and counting. I know that it is a gift because not all mothers who wish for it are able to have it. But sometimes, when you are caught unaware, gratefulness turns into pride and you start to depend solely on your own abilities rather than on the One who gave you those abilities.
You function at full speed. Your radar is on all the time. Saving the day is your life’s motto. And you like it. To be truthful about it, you like it.
Your pride buttons burst each time you receive compliments about how unbelievably amazing you have been managing everything all at the same time: household chores, raising your children, taking care of your husband, squeezing in work and earning.
People tell you are Wonder Woman. You “humbly” brush it off, but deep down you are secretly giggling with glee.
And because you have been doing such a great job, you ignore the stop signs for fear that there is no one else who can do it like you do.
But even God rested. He stopped working for a day after finishing His creation and seeing that it was all beautiful. He was happy and He rested.
For two days i rested. There was no other choice. But even under extreme pain, i was mentally picturing the chaos waiting for me and making lists of the things i will do when i get better. Control is such a hard habit to break.
But I never had any use for those mental notes.
Someone else saved the day.
During those two days my husband took care of me. He cooked, did the laundry, took our son to the park and gave me massages.
It was not done in the standard that i have built for myself, but i didn’t mind. I have built such a high standard that most times, i myself can’t even climb it.
I used to do everything out of love and only that. Somewhere along the way, love became just a motivation and perfection the goal. It was tiring and never fulfilling.
My husband did everything i couldn’t do out of love. He was not striving to show me he could do it also. He did it because he loved me and to show me that it is alright if i can’t be super anymore. He was happy to see me taking a break and finally resting.
The weekend is almost here and i am taking extra care to avoid bed confinement again. I want to make it up to my family. Not by making sure that everything is perfect but by making sure that i am alright. I am re-evaluating my standards and deleting things that are beyond human capacity.
After all, i am not a super hero. No mother is. The title belongs to only one person and it is because of Him that i am here in this season of full-time motherhood surrounded by people who make this journey my greatest adventure.
Only by God’s grace and nothing else.
Full-Time Mom Diaries 